I have issues with self-esteem and self-confidence and I thought the best way to deal with that would be to do something that gives me responsibilities and make me feel powerful. This would mean that I am a higher rank than other people and would be proof that I am actually worth something. I didn’t know how bad of an idea this would be, but I have come to realize that.
You see, I often feel that my life is not really that important and I do not make an effect on people and I do not have any value. As a moderator, I would have value and I will be able to have powers that other people do not have, therefore making me worth something. When I was made a moderator in a few places, I got given meaningless roles in servers that gave me a few more permissions than the other members of the server and that was it.
You see what this did was rather than take away the feeling of worthlessness, it added a new feeling to me, which was stress. The more responsibility I had, the greater the stress became, and the more unhappy I got with myself because I wasn’t good enough for the moderator roles and someone else better should have got it. I didn't want to spend the time that I would have been relaxing in moderating a server that I had little interest in and that added to my unhappiness
It all comes down to the feeling of self-worth and comparing to other people. I compare myself to other people all the time, here on Medium, I compare to people who get loads of views, same on YouTube, same everywhere in life! I am always comparing to people who are ‘better’ than me and I believe that I am not actually worth much at all compared to the other people I compare myself to.
Instead of adding more things to my life, I stopped all that and I tried to focus on what I do now and how I can do better and show myself that I am worth something. It is difficult and I still have issues, but I know the answer is not in seeking power.
